HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position the right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding the pill in the right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop a pill into its mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in
3) Retrieve the cat from the bedroom, and throw the soggy pill away.
4) Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle the cat in the left arm, and hold the rear
paws tightly with the left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold your mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the wardrobe. Call spouse from the garden.
6) Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between knees, and hold front and rear paws. Ignore the low growls emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve the cat from the curtain rail, and get another pill from the foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set them to one side for glueing later.
Wrap the cat in a large towel and get the spouse to lie on the cat with the head just visible from below the armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.9) Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve the cat from the neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick the pill down the throat with an elastic band.
11) Fetch the screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch a bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, and drink. apply a cold compress to the cheek and check records for the date of the last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to the cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw the Tee shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
12) Call the fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from a tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take the last pill from the foil wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to the leg of the dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push the pill into the mouth followed by a large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume the remainder of Scotch. Get your spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, and sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. Call the furniture shop on the way home to order a new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect a "mutant cat from hell" and call a local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
